Life for Dummies

 

This is that point in life when everything is just confusing.  I'm at a fork in the road, with not a single idea of which direction to go in. I can't find the map or the how-to directions.  I'm kinda scared, and I have no idea what to do.  Dead ahead is the unknown-- a dark road.  And all I want to do is turn back and run away.  It's nearly impossible to distinguish the difference between the risks that will be worth it or not.  And sometimes I just want to shut the entire world away.  I can't stand the uncertainty, I can't fight the doubt and I can barely carry the weight on my shoulders.  Because right now, every decision I make will determine success or failure.  Every decision will define who I will be in the future.  Every second counts.  And I'm wasting them trying to figure this all out.

I want to just freeze time and possibly take a breather.  A vacation would certainly be nice.  I figure time is like Toyota... Moving forward, even when we don't want it to. Ha.  It's like a river; I can either go with the current and let it carry me somewhat smoothly, or I can try to fight it and get pushed violently along.  I just have to keep my head above the surface and keep breathing in air whenever I can, and let it carry me downstream.  But I know this now: I can't fight time.

The beautiful thing about time is that there are two things, at least, that have and will always stay and be the same.  Evil and love have remained unchanged throughout the ages.  Despite the things man has done-- like the growth of population, achievements in technology and politics and the development of modern society and civilization, which all (supposedly) started with a naked couple in a garden-- they have stayed more or less the same.  So when I'm lost, I suppose love will always be there.  But so will evil.

I know that I cannot possibly find peace unless I have somewhat of a consistent goal.  I guess I don't have to always be reaching one, I just have to have something to go for, something worth fighting for.  Because being idle and doing absolutely nothing is a great injustice to myself.

I have yet to find something worth aiming at.

I've realized I've been asking for the wrong things.  When I have been aiming at something, I'm shooting the wrong targets.  Instead of trying to find a way to be with her, I should figure out how to do without her.  Instead of discovering the motivation and will to face the future, I should attempt to silence my doubt and fear.  When I pray for mountains to move out of my way and for rivers to part, I should ask God, instead, to give me the prudence, fortitude, temperance, and justice to climb the tallest of heights and cross vast oceans.  Instead of asking the world to change or people to change for me, I should start looking to myself to be the change, instead.

It is true that everything is born to die.  There is evidence left and right detesting to this.  But there is one thing that doesn't require evidence at all.  While sticks and stones will break bones and even destroy me, nothing of this world can harm the ardor or passion within my heart, nor the belief deep within my head, planted within my soul, as long as I have the will to defend these against anything that threatens to pull me down.

The idea of believing cannot be questioned nor can it be proven or justified.  But it is my belief and faith that will aid me in pushing forward into the dark.

I guess this world can be two things; the dark scary place that my parents always made it out to be-- full of traps, confusion and dead ends-- or a gift, a creation and an imperfect heaven.  This is one of the paradoxes of our universe; it's both.

I need to be careful where I step because the ground is shaky and slippery.  If I'm standing tall, I am aware that I can fall at any second.  There are injustices being committed left and right.  Those sticks and stones?  They're coming from other people acting on their own accord, with their own secret intentions, sometimes willing to hurt whoever they must to reach their own goals through whatever vices or methods necessary.  Evil has remained a constant factor throughout history.  The call of money, fame and immoralities are always disguised as Earth's eternal happiness.  You can't walk this world alone and remain unharmed.  You can't walk it with someone by your side without getting burned or left behind at least once.  People will lie to you.  You'll lie in turn.  Manipulation, false truths and deceptions are everywhere.  Sometimes the tragedy of life is living itself.

At the same time, the world is beautiful.  Obstacles are everywhere yes, but around the bend is what you're looking for.  Someday, someone will help you realize the reason why so many past relationships went wrong.  You still have the ability to do anything and be anything if you can figure out how.  Nature is God's gift to man and between the Niagara Falls and Mt. Everest, there is much beauty to be seen.  The way we interact, love and connect is phenomenal in the idea that sometimes we do get hurt, but we strive for contact with others and in friendship and relationships we find happiness and fulfillment. This world is heaven, and it's greatest flaw and adequacy is its imperfection; our imperfection.  The world was created, not designed, as the place where each individual will thrive or possibly, and tragically, experience a downfall, and where, through experience, a life can be lived, happiness can be found.  But only by experiencing the antonym.  Our world is in between good and bad, Heaven and Hell.  Even some artists have depicted is as so.

It's the idea that to know what beauty is, you must see the things that pain our eyes to look upon.  To experience the wonders of falling at the speed of sound, you have to climb the heights first.  To know love, you have to know apathy and indifference.  To feel peace you must first feel chaos.  To find happiness, you gotta discover agony and suffering first.

It's the idea of the "Golden Mean," the Middle Way, Nirvana, whatever you want to call it.  You have to know the least, the best, and live life moderately, in the center between the positive and negative extreme.  You have to know both.  And you have to stay in between.  I know that only then will I know happiness.  And I do.

I guess I have to wake up every morning and appreciate what I have to do.  Because like the rest of humanity, I have a calling.  It might not be the same as everyone else.  As a doctor will go to heal patients and prescribe treatments, our soldiers will march to defend our nation and teachers will show up (hopefully) to educate us, I gotta do what I must.  If I love myself, I will love my nature as well.  And my nature has its demands.  I can't explain it; this is just how it is.  We weren't born to lie in bed or play video games and don't you dare act like a smart ass and argue that you were.  Because you aren't.  And good luck making a living as a Call of Duty player, because you know... that area of expertise is in high demand especially in today's economy (sarcasm).  I have to experience.  And build who I am.

But to what end?  Why? What's the point?

Besides goals that I'll set for myself, the entire point is to live in order to die.  Ha.  I'll leave it at that to avoid a huge theological discussion because the reasons for life are slightly, sometimes, religious.

Whether I live till I'm nineteen, twenty-five, fifty, one hundred, or, God forbid, older, I still only have this one life to live.  I don't have multiple lives.  It isn't a Nintendo game.  My best advice to you?  Pretend you're dead now; Imagine that what you have now is all that you will always have, all that you will leave behind and who you are now is who the world will remember you as.  Happy with that?  Hopefully (and probably) not.  So live. Now. Time won't wait.

I can't blow things off until tomorrow.  I can't always plan the next day.  I can't always contemplate my next step.  It's good, though, to have somewhat of an idea what my future is going to be like, but if my heart desires to do something, I will (realistically) do it now.  I can't fear tomorrow, cuz fear will do nothing but ravage my heart.  I can only deal with today, because tomorrow will come.  And it will go as it should.

It is what is, what happens, happens.

People-- they say you can't live without them, and you can't live with them.  There's random kids that will drive you insane.  And people that will make you crazy.  There are others you won't be able to get enough of and some that you wanna just be around because they're just so great.  Besides the obvious requirement of humanity to reproduce in order to survive, a human being can't possibly live happy completely isolated.  I suppose one could disagree, but I'm not looking for an argument.

Friendship; it's in the Old Testament of the Bible, Aristotle acknowledged it, and at the beginning of time God realized it: companionship is a necessity.  It's recognized as something just important as food and water for a human being to thrive.  Abraham Maslow ranked it third on his hierarchy of needs.  Keep those that want to be close, close to your heart.  And never let them go.  Someday you'll understand why.

When you do something wrong to someone else, you're hurting yourself first.  Don't question their actions unless you can handle someone questioning yours first.  Never close your mind to learning or accepting criticism.  And when you offer it, make sure it is constructive.

I've run into so many problems and tragedies.  I have endured so much and gone through Hell and back.  Try living on your own at eighteen during your senior year. I know, it was my decision, for the most part, and thereby I must deal with the consequences.  But never once have I lacked the ability to pull through.  Which brings me to probably my last point of this crazy long rant...

Despite the size of the problem or the agony you're going through, deep within you have the ability to push through and overcome.  I like to believe that God will never give you an obstacle you cannot push past or around.  I can't prove this either; it circles back to belief.

Just like all the hundreds of times before, and though this phase in my life is unlike any I have gone through, I know I will endure.  I can't give you all the answers because I certainly don't have them.  I can't say all the right things or give you everything you want to hear.  I'm not a know-it-all; I am just a reader and a deep thinker.  This is my knowledge thus far, though.  And it is forever increasing.

Knowledge is power.

The paradox of life: it does suck.  But at the same time it is so beautiful.

 

Veni Vidi Vici

 

Hello.  Here's a little rant I wrote two years ago about life.  Enjoy. :)

Class!—raise your hand if any of you know the answer to this question: what are the three main types of conflicts that take place within literature? I’m no literary genius, but I think they go as follows:

 

Man vs. Self

Man vs. Man (Woman)

Man vs. Nature

 

Okay. Good, good. We’ll work our way to the top, now.

Man vs. Nature usually depicts something like a guy trying to scale Mt. Everest. Or a hurricane ruining someone’s house. Pretty straightforward. If you’re fighting nature, truly, you have no control over your decisions because you’re making choices to survive. And when it comes down to surviving there are few rational options. Nature is indifferent to man. Moving on.

Man vs. Man is like a guy having a conflict with a guy. Or a girl. Or anyone. Whether it be a full-scale war or a small-scale argument between two individuals, it’s a bit more strung out than man vs. nature because of the fact that two sides are making choices, two sides are acting for themselves. Both sides have consciences, impulses and a will to follow through with whatever they desire. Multiple minds, multiple hearts and countless, possibly conflicting, views. A little complicated. Sometimes this type of conflict involves violence, physical or mental. The resolutions involve humility, compromises and letting go of pride. That’s it in a nutshell.

Now, the focus of this rant; man vs. self. It’s crazy because most of the other types of conflicts involve this one as well.

Usually going at odds with someone else starts with an issue within. How does scripture go? ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ Right? So when we decide to put someone down or act upon another, it always starts inside of you.

Because of the fact that we have no control over natural disasters and random accidents, and because people usually will act on their own accord even if their decisions conflict with ours, things will always go wrong. Because this world is broken and nothing is perfect, we will always suffer.

As stated before, if there is no suffering there is no victory, right? It’s too right.

This is a nice little run-through on this war within; the fight to get what we desire, and the fall when we don’t.

Sometimes we can’t get what we want. And then every decision after that realization leads us down roads we don’t want to go with. I’m here to say that your suffering and resentment will be little or none if you can just accept things for how they are and suck it up and move forward. Without peace you won’t ever be free, but with it you can fly.

When problems arise, don’t walk away from them. Fix them. But it’s the pain within that you have to deal with.

The point isn’t to just endure, but to embrace. Embrace your cross and carry it, and someday you’ll make it to the top of the hill. Do not shut out the world. Don’t look away. Stare into it and make it your own. Win the battle.

Because in life, there are always battles. You will always suffer casualties. You will have scars and wounds that will take time to heal. Sometimes we choose the wrong fights. Sometimes we get destroyed but that gives us time to rebuild. Sometimes our allies turn on us, and sometimes our worst enemies become our greatest friends. Sometimes the bombs will fall from the sky and enemy soldiers will line the coast but you cannot surrender.

This is a war. Fight for what you believe in, fight for what your heart desires and fight for what you know is right. And never back down.

Not everything has a happy ending. Things are just that way. Some problems will remain unresolved forever. Some questions are meant to remain unanswered and some fights are supposed to be just stalemates. Learn from everything and never stop. And as I’ve said before, love and never relent.

This is a call to arms to fight the demons inside. Embrace the enemy and keep up the good fight because your victory will be in accordance to the blood you bled and tears you’ve cried. This is a call to arms to stand up for what you believe in and let nothing stand in your way.

My friend, pick yourself up. Remember this is not the first time you’ve been knocked down. And it isn’t the last time. Rise.

Don’t fear suffering. The only we have to fear is fear itself, right? Cuz we will suffer. One way or another. Might as well take it.

Our ‘enemies’ are heavily numbered. They range from crazy ex’s, to drugs and alcohol. Fights, sexual urges, and just simple disagreements with the bestie. Priorities, school, work and just day to day life. The past, present and future. Failings, trials and tragedies. I’m telling you, don’t let these things tear you apart. I can’t even say I’ve named everything, but you get my point.

"You'll win some, then you'll lose some. Don't ever relent when you know what you're doing is right. You can overcome most things that nature will throw in your face. You can eventually work out amends with whoever you're at odds with.

But the fight within will never end. The overall war will end when you die, so win what battles you can. Win the right ones. I'd say that this is your call of duty, this is the war. This is your life. This is your call to arms.

 

-GV

 

"Did you ever believe?

Were you ever a dreamer?

Ever imagine heart open and free?

Did you ever deny?

Were you ever a traitor?Ever in love with your bloodless business?

 

This is a call to arms, gather soldiers

Time to go to war

This is a battle song, brothers and sisters

Time to go to war."

 

-"Vox Populi"

This is War

30 Seconds to mars

 

Freedom

 

I'm taking a break from Calculus for now.  Right now, I have quite a bit on my mind.

It dawned on me the other day.  It's something kind of cool, slightly insightful, and possibly very correct.  And the reason why I use Google Chrome, besides it being faster than IE9, is that it has spell check.  And... it isn't spell checking anything I'm writing.  That's what happens when you build your headquarters in California.  Same for Facebook.  Anyway...

Everyone's always muttering stuff like, "I wish I had the patience to deal with this."  Or, "I wish I was cool like Abe."  Stuff.  But here's the truth to these situations...

Maybe you do have the patience already.  Maybe you are already cool like me.  I think for situations when you want the courage to do something, the wisdom, or the patience, etc., you really already do.  It's just a matter of whether or not you have the ability to use these named values in a way that will be beneficial.

Guess what?  I'm going to be a published author! :D  This guy who's pretty rich and a local philanthropist is giving my girlfriend and I (each?) $1,000 to write a book.  About high school.  Jeez. What do I know about high school? haha.

It's funny that none of my family really support me in this.  I told my grandpa and I got a nice lecture about how I need to leave my family out of it.  To be honest, I never intended to include them in the book's content.  But now I think about it, everything that has happened has really influenced my time at UT.  Hmmm.  Oh well.

I'm getting senioritis really bad.  But I've been working on Calculus for the past hour.  For some reason.  Wow.

"A particle moves along the x-axis so that its velocity at time t, for 0= t = 6 is given by a differentiable funciont v whose graph is shown above.  The velocity is - at t = 0, t = 3, t = 6, and the graph has horizontal tangents at t = 1 and t = 5.  The areas of the regions bounded  by the t-axis and the graph of v on the intervals of [0, 3], [3, 5], and [5, 6] are 8, 3, and 2, respectively.  At time = 0, the particle is at x = -2. "

So in other words, the graph given is a chart of the increase and decreasing of the particle's velocity.  As the graph rises above the x-axis, it's going faster to the right.  When it's lowering below the x-axis, it's goign t slower to the left.  The areas bounded are really just the total distance it travels.  And the derivative of the velocity is its acceleration... Blah.

Ever wonder why people are so lame?  I don't understand how a guy can get really mad at his girlfriend for something she did (maybe didn't do).  And then he'll throw stuff and cuss her out.  That's no way to treat a lady.  I don't get how there'll be five or six guys in my creative writing class complaining that they're getting in trouble for bringing drugs to school.  What did they expect?

Maybe pastors at churches should start a thing when the preach what they practice... Maybe EVERYONE should do that.  Hmmm.  I wonder what Christianity would be like then.  Haha.  Dang.

"I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians, for they are not like your Christ."  Gandhi was a smart guy.  He knew stuff.

I could go on about religion.  But I won't.  Enough of that.  Too many stuck-up, religious extremists will get in my face.  Hey, I'm not pointing any fingers, but I am sorry if I won't condemn the nice Muslim man who owns the coffee shop at the Moline Public Library to hell.  I am also sorry that I don't think gay marriage isn't logical.

Okay, maybe I'm not sorry.  Sorry.

Has anyone realized that when we grow up we're going to be paying taxes out of our butts?  We go in debt.  Ouch.  Raise taxes!  We nearly have a government shut down.  Raise taxes!  Terrorists? Nah, taking care of them is a waste of our money!  Possible loss of life (and the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of innocent people) in Libya?  Nah, let's stay out of it, or rather, let's get involved because France asked us.  If you're confused about the movement on Libya, just so you know I support it.

Ohhh. Yess.  It's a waste of money.  Saving lives.  Is a waste of money?  Hmmm.

So is the universal healthcare bill.  What a joke.

And some guy told me today that the solution to 9-11 was to close our borders, build up walls, and stay out of everything, and convert to something other than an oil-reliant economy and nation.

Smart guy.  Very smart.  But not very realistic, it seems.

Check out the song "Therapy" by All Time Low.  It's pretty good.

Hey, if you wanna be in my book, let me know! :D

I'm getting off. Thanks. Bye. :)