Life for Dummies

 

This is that point in life when everything is just confusing.  I'm at a fork in the road, with not a single idea of which direction to go in. I can't find the map or the how-to directions.  I'm kinda scared, and I have no idea what to do.  Dead ahead is the unknown-- a dark road.  And all I want to do is turn back and run away.  It's nearly impossible to distinguish the difference between the risks that will be worth it or not.  And sometimes I just want to shut the entire world away.  I can't stand the uncertainty, I can't fight the doubt and I can barely carry the weight on my shoulders.  Because right now, every decision I make will determine success or failure.  Every decision will define who I will be in the future.  Every second counts.  And I'm wasting them trying to figure this all out.

I want to just freeze time and possibly take a breather.  A vacation would certainly be nice.  I figure time is like Toyota... Moving forward, even when we don't want it to. Ha.  It's like a river; I can either go with the current and let it carry me somewhat smoothly, or I can try to fight it and get pushed violently along.  I just have to keep my head above the surface and keep breathing in air whenever I can, and let it carry me downstream.  But I know this now: I can't fight time.

The beautiful thing about time is that there are two things, at least, that have and will always stay and be the same.  Evil and love have remained unchanged throughout the ages.  Despite the things man has done-- like the growth of population, achievements in technology and politics and the development of modern society and civilization, which all (supposedly) started with a naked couple in a garden-- they have stayed more or less the same.  So when I'm lost, I suppose love will always be there.  But so will evil.

I know that I cannot possibly find peace unless I have somewhat of a consistent goal.  I guess I don't have to always be reaching one, I just have to have something to go for, something worth fighting for.  Because being idle and doing absolutely nothing is a great injustice to myself.

I have yet to find something worth aiming at.

I've realized I've been asking for the wrong things.  When I have been aiming at something, I'm shooting the wrong targets.  Instead of trying to find a way to be with her, I should figure out how to do without her.  Instead of discovering the motivation and will to face the future, I should attempt to silence my doubt and fear.  When I pray for mountains to move out of my way and for rivers to part, I should ask God, instead, to give me the prudence, fortitude, temperance, and justice to climb the tallest of heights and cross vast oceans.  Instead of asking the world to change or people to change for me, I should start looking to myself to be the change, instead.

It is true that everything is born to die.  There is evidence left and right detesting to this.  But there is one thing that doesn't require evidence at all.  While sticks and stones will break bones and even destroy me, nothing of this world can harm the ardor or passion within my heart, nor the belief deep within my head, planted within my soul, as long as I have the will to defend these against anything that threatens to pull me down.

The idea of believing cannot be questioned nor can it be proven or justified.  But it is my belief and faith that will aid me in pushing forward into the dark.

I guess this world can be two things; the dark scary place that my parents always made it out to be-- full of traps, confusion and dead ends-- or a gift, a creation and an imperfect heaven.  This is one of the paradoxes of our universe; it's both.

I need to be careful where I step because the ground is shaky and slippery.  If I'm standing tall, I am aware that I can fall at any second.  There are injustices being committed left and right.  Those sticks and stones?  They're coming from other people acting on their own accord, with their own secret intentions, sometimes willing to hurt whoever they must to reach their own goals through whatever vices or methods necessary.  Evil has remained a constant factor throughout history.  The call of money, fame and immoralities are always disguised as Earth's eternal happiness.  You can't walk this world alone and remain unharmed.  You can't walk it with someone by your side without getting burned or left behind at least once.  People will lie to you.  You'll lie in turn.  Manipulation, false truths and deceptions are everywhere.  Sometimes the tragedy of life is living itself.

At the same time, the world is beautiful.  Obstacles are everywhere yes, but around the bend is what you're looking for.  Someday, someone will help you realize the reason why so many past relationships went wrong.  You still have the ability to do anything and be anything if you can figure out how.  Nature is God's gift to man and between the Niagara Falls and Mt. Everest, there is much beauty to be seen.  The way we interact, love and connect is phenomenal in the idea that sometimes we do get hurt, but we strive for contact with others and in friendship and relationships we find happiness and fulfillment. This world is heaven, and it's greatest flaw and adequacy is its imperfection; our imperfection.  The world was created, not designed, as the place where each individual will thrive or possibly, and tragically, experience a downfall, and where, through experience, a life can be lived, happiness can be found.  But only by experiencing the antonym.  Our world is in between good and bad, Heaven and Hell.  Even some artists have depicted is as so.

It's the idea that to know what beauty is, you must see the things that pain our eyes to look upon.  To experience the wonders of falling at the speed of sound, you have to climb the heights first.  To know love, you have to know apathy and indifference.  To feel peace you must first feel chaos.  To find happiness, you gotta discover agony and suffering first.

It's the idea of the "Golden Mean," the Middle Way, Nirvana, whatever you want to call it.  You have to know the least, the best, and live life moderately, in the center between the positive and negative extreme.  You have to know both.  And you have to stay in between.  I know that only then will I know happiness.  And I do.

I guess I have to wake up every morning and appreciate what I have to do.  Because like the rest of humanity, I have a calling.  It might not be the same as everyone else.  As a doctor will go to heal patients and prescribe treatments, our soldiers will march to defend our nation and teachers will show up (hopefully) to educate us, I gotta do what I must.  If I love myself, I will love my nature as well.  And my nature has its demands.  I can't explain it; this is just how it is.  We weren't born to lie in bed or play video games and don't you dare act like a smart ass and argue that you were.  Because you aren't.  And good luck making a living as a Call of Duty player, because you know... that area of expertise is in high demand especially in today's economy (sarcasm).  I have to experience.  And build who I am.

But to what end?  Why? What's the point?

Besides goals that I'll set for myself, the entire point is to live in order to die.  Ha.  I'll leave it at that to avoid a huge theological discussion because the reasons for life are slightly, sometimes, religious.

Whether I live till I'm nineteen, twenty-five, fifty, one hundred, or, God forbid, older, I still only have this one life to live.  I don't have multiple lives.  It isn't a Nintendo game.  My best advice to you?  Pretend you're dead now; Imagine that what you have now is all that you will always have, all that you will leave behind and who you are now is who the world will remember you as.  Happy with that?  Hopefully (and probably) not.  So live. Now. Time won't wait.

I can't blow things off until tomorrow.  I can't always plan the next day.  I can't always contemplate my next step.  It's good, though, to have somewhat of an idea what my future is going to be like, but if my heart desires to do something, I will (realistically) do it now.  I can't fear tomorrow, cuz fear will do nothing but ravage my heart.  I can only deal with today, because tomorrow will come.  And it will go as it should.

It is what is, what happens, happens.

People-- they say you can't live without them, and you can't live with them.  There's random kids that will drive you insane.  And people that will make you crazy.  There are others you won't be able to get enough of and some that you wanna just be around because they're just so great.  Besides the obvious requirement of humanity to reproduce in order to survive, a human being can't possibly live happy completely isolated.  I suppose one could disagree, but I'm not looking for an argument.

Friendship; it's in the Old Testament of the Bible, Aristotle acknowledged it, and at the beginning of time God realized it: companionship is a necessity.  It's recognized as something just important as food and water for a human being to thrive.  Abraham Maslow ranked it third on his hierarchy of needs.  Keep those that want to be close, close to your heart.  And never let them go.  Someday you'll understand why.

When you do something wrong to someone else, you're hurting yourself first.  Don't question their actions unless you can handle someone questioning yours first.  Never close your mind to learning or accepting criticism.  And when you offer it, make sure it is constructive.

I've run into so many problems and tragedies.  I have endured so much and gone through Hell and back.  Try living on your own at eighteen during your senior year. I know, it was my decision, for the most part, and thereby I must deal with the consequences.  But never once have I lacked the ability to pull through.  Which brings me to probably my last point of this crazy long rant...

Despite the size of the problem or the agony you're going through, deep within you have the ability to push through and overcome.  I like to believe that God will never give you an obstacle you cannot push past or around.  I can't prove this either; it circles back to belief.

Just like all the hundreds of times before, and though this phase in my life is unlike any I have gone through, I know I will endure.  I can't give you all the answers because I certainly don't have them.  I can't say all the right things or give you everything you want to hear.  I'm not a know-it-all; I am just a reader and a deep thinker.  This is my knowledge thus far, though.  And it is forever increasing.

Knowledge is power.

The paradox of life: it does suck.  But at the same time it is so beautiful.