Charizard

"You just can't sit there and put everyone's life ahead of yours and think that counts as love."

So, I used to believe this. Wholeheartedly. I figured if I went out of my way for people, did selfless things for others, and just put the rest of humanity first, that this was the best way to love others.  I was right, and wrong.  A lot of my closer friends think I'm too nice, too kind, and that I think too much about other people before putting myself first.

I'm walking this fine line where I begin to question why I put up with so much bullshit or so much inconvenience to the point that I'm practically unhappy.   One particular person never ceased to criticize me for this.  I feel like she judged me for it, looked down on me for it, and was just confused or intimidated by it.  And after trying to be an outsider looking in on the past few years, I begin to feel the same way.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?

I'll be late to work because I'm jumping some lady's car on Kimberly Road and get written up for it. I'll be close to broke, but I'll buy a guy a gas tank, a gallon of gas, so he and his family don't have to sit in front of a Taco Bell waiting for someone else to stop.  I'll push an old guy and his granddaughter's car up a slight hill despite my sports induced asthma, and ignore the fact I'm running late to a dinner date with a friend at the Lemon Grass Cafe.  I'll pick up drunk friends from parties and get them home safely, even if I gotta be up early or if I'm in the middle of things.  And yes, I'll drive out of my way to go to Indiana to be with a friend in the hospital, knowing it'll make for a rough night. (ha.)

But when my car's messed up off Arsenal Island and I'm pushing an '01 Chevy Impala up a hill, no one stops.  When I need someone to pick me up, no one answers their phone.  And when I hope or want something back, I'm empty handed.  But I keep doing it.  I keep going.  That part of my philosophy I have literally only explained to one person.  And I don't think I'll ever do that again, because I don't think they understood (see previous two posts).

Back to the original quote: this doesn't count as love, does it?

Not quite.  Selflessness versus selfishness... love is patient, love is kind.  It endures all things, bears all things... Hmm.

I like to think that putting someone else first is just one facet of it.  The rest relies on enduring it, no matter what.  And when I say "no matter what," I mean even if they steal from you, even if they lie, even if they cheat.  Even if the leave you and give up.  And those things I listed... that wasn't love. That was just being a nice guy.  I like to think it's practice.

No, my friends, love to me is being selfless when you need to, focused on yourself when you must, and enduring it all in the long run.  It's not wanting to be the only person who makes the other happy, but doing whatever it takes to do that.  So, to the individual that believe that this putting others first was my idea of love, it's just one piece of the puzzle. And everything I've already said is just that one piece combined with a few others.

Don't get me started.  And for the record, my choices and decisions to consistently put others first, while sometimes bothers me, ultimately makes me feel better, it just betters me in general, and I'm happy I do it.  It's worth every negative feeling, inconvenience, and write-up.  And I wouldn't want to live my life any other way.

I'd like to personally thank my dad, a lot of my friends, and every stupid hindrance I've encountered along the way that has taught me this.  Thanks. :)